In a weird mood...

So I havn't blogged in a while. When I started this I thought I'd blog about life and everything pretty much everyday. Guess not. I know in prolly my last blog I mentioned that I didnt want to just blog about "I did this today, class was this, food was that, my suite-mate got high, and blahblahblah" Well, I'll catch ya up on things that have happened since the last time I blogged...well I'll start by explaining the weir mood I'm in.

I woke up this morning to one of my favorite songs. "Wish You Were Here", By Pink Floyd. Its definitely one of my favorite songs. Well after that I heard "Inhale", by Killswitch Engage. Sounds like a metal band right? Well, it is. Its one of those "RAH RAHHHHH RAHHHHHHH ::fast drum beat:: ::lots of very distorted guitar::" with some angst-y lyrics. Not this song. Its quiet. It starts off with a lightly distorted guitar that sounds like its coming from a distant radio. Then about 13 seconds in, an acoustic guitar joins in and I can always see a video playing in my mind. Its different every time. This morning it was one of those that seemed like someone had a home video of my life, and showed high school. It showed alex, marla, jun, mike and I playing around having fun. Life is so different these days. My last two years of high school were two of the greatest years of my life (so far).

I was happy. The worries I had would totally dissipate anytime I was with my friends, including my girlfriend at the time. She and I had this storybook relationship and people literally were jealous of our relationship. Not necessarily us, but the relationship. I remember taking her to one of my school dances or something, idk, maybe it was a concert or something...I forget. Anyway, the day after kids in my class came up to me and were like "how long have you guys been together?", "you two seem so happy", "do you two ever argue?". I got that last one a lot. "Do you two ever argue?" We never did in highschool. Maybe that's why I hate arguing. When I went to Union, "we" ended with an argument. Well...we kinda "took a break" in sept of that year. I came back in November and went to her place. I acted like nothing happened, and we were still together, and happy. I was so relieved just to be with her that I didn't realize how she was pulling away. I remember walking up behind her, putting my hands on her hips as she was getting/looking for something in the fridge in her new kitchen. She would usually stop, put her hands on mind and turn her head slightly. I could feel her smile. She didn't do that. She got what she needed and kinda turned outta my reach as her mom walked in the kitchen. So I didn't think much of it cuz her mom was there, but I didn't realize that she was doing this on purpose. A little time goes by, and I gotta go do whatever I needed to do or she needed to get ready for something, i forget. But we went out to my car. We sat in it. She said to me, "I think we should just stay friends". I was so happy just to be with her...that feeling quickly became a distant forgotten memory as shock, confusion, and even rage filled that empty void. I turned and asked what she said. She wouldn't look at me. She said it again. I said "Wait, why? Why cant we just go back to what we were?" She responds "We can't, its too late". I said "No, its never too late. We can start over!" This argument was short-lived. She didn't say anything and she let her hair block her face. I pushed it behind her ear and saw she was about to cry. As I was about to say something she turned, gave me a hug, and said something that I never was able to remember except the phrase, "I'm sorry" as I felt a drop on my shoulder. She got out of the car and walked back to her place. I don't know why I didn't get out and follow her. She went inside and everything I was feeling was replaced with rage and maybe even hate quicker than time itself can fathom. I felt my heart start to pound. I felt a tingly sensation of adrenaline in my chest and my legs. My hands started to shake as I released the handbrake of my car to let it roll down her (short) driveway. I rolled into the road, put it in gear, let out the clutch and the car jolted, jerked, and stalled. My mind was racing faster than ever. Ever second that passed felt like an eternity. I turned the engine back on. Put it in gear again, let out the clutch and bang, bang, bang. The engine stalled again. I couldn't see through the tears. I wiped them from my face as I sank in my seat. All the anger was put on pause. I felt so alone. Like I couldn't go anywhere, to anyone. A minute or so went by, and something made me look back at her house. I saw her at the front door just watching me. I didn't realize this would be the last time she would ever look at me again.

The pause button was broken and the anger started to play again...but this time it was on fast forward. I started the engine, revved it way up as I put it in gear and popped the clutch. Smoke from all four tires (it was a Subaru. They're all four wheel drive) rose from under the car as it lurched forward. I got to the end of the street and stopped. My phone buzzed. I took it and threw it out the window, not even caring who it was. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I turned right. Found route 17 and started going south because north had so much traffic. At one point while redlining it in 3rd and putting it in fourth (about 85-90mph as I recall) I passed a cop sitting in a parking lot. I swerved around a car blasted down the right lane and took the next exit. Drove about half a mile going about 60 in a 35, turned right onto some small road then turned left again. I stopped the car. I had no idea what I was doing. I was so mad that she turned me down after 18 months, that I didnt know where to go. I didn't know who to go to. I think about 15 minutes passed, I started the car and took back roads to go back to her place to ask her something. About an hour later, I was on Lincoln Ave near her place. I turned left on her road and remembered my phone. I pulled over and found it gently resting on a very big Hasta leaf. It was almost picturesque. Like it should be a postcard or in a calender. I picked it up and saw 17 missed calls, 7 text messages and 3 voicemails. The missed calls were from, Sarah, Marla, and my mom. I checked my voice mail since my mom called. She just wanted to know what I wanted for dinner sunday night when I came home (it was saturday). That was the first one. The second one was from Sarah. She said, "Tim, I'm sorry. I saw you drive off and got scared. I hope your ok." I controlled my emotions and listened to the last message. It was marla. She sounded almost panicked, trying to figure out where I was cuz apparently Sarah called her and told her everything. I checked my txts. Nothing special. As I got in my car I saw her green Civic driving towards me with her in the backseat behind the driver (her dad). This must have been about two hours after our argument. I saw her turn her head and put her hand on the window. I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel mad, I wasnt going to pursue or follow her. I just felt alone. I got in my car and just started driving. About another hour later marla started calling me non-stop. I finally answered after the fourth time. She said "come home" in a calm almost relived voice. I reached her place. As I pulled up her driveway, I saw her come out of the front door. She came over and gave me a big hug. She was the second girl I ever cried in front of. We sat on her couch and just held each other as she kept trying to calm me down. Eventually I fell asleep.

Since I know Rachel really is the only one that still reads my blogs, now she is the second person to know this story. I know I never went into this kind of detail. I think I wrote all of this because of the recent stupid little arguments we have been having. I love you, Rachel. Every time we argue, I see myself sitting in my car in sarah's driveway. I think that's why I hate arguing. I just want to be happy. I just want to be happy with you. You don't need to say it or worry about it or anything. I will always love you, no matter what happens.

I guess I just want to ask you to be easier on me. Every argument is like a kick in the nuts. I like to joke around, especially with you and especially in the past few months. You've changed so much for the better. I want that to continue, and for us just to be happy. I'm sorry If it seems like we don't talk as much since I'm here at Berks, hanging out with friends. But to be honest, I need people around me to keep me happy. I don't want to be alone, and I don't want you to try to make me feel guilty about being busy. I just want us to be happy.

Eh sidenote, I'll write more later tonight or tomorrow.